Big Paper 1 Suggestions

Henry:
Nice introduction, straight to the point and to the thesis.

I see you used your outline for your first paragraph and fleshed it out minimally; I think it is still strong enough.

Good evidence in your second paragraph. I just think that you should connect it back to your thesis.

You talk about wanting to connect before everyone could afford internet and after it. But then you got off topic and talked about how video games can create another identity of someone. I suggest find another evidence if possible, stay on track and keep your thesis in mind.

I like your conclusion and how you raised another question. I would say remind the reader of all your arguments.

Lastly, write a connection, a OPV, a significance paragraph.

Carrie:

Your thesis: The internet takes out the choice of direct communication and allows people to create another identity.

I just wanted to clarify, when yu say phone, you mean phone phone or IM phone?

I agree with your paragraph about online conversations. "Lol' and "JK" do not mean what they are intended to mean and they are used to change the mood of a conversation so people do not feel offended when certain things are said.

I remember a time when Titus and Violet did use their Feed to communicate because they were mad at each other. How did that affect their relationship? Maybe you can incorporate it in your paragraph about their love.

I think that the same paragraph is out of place; the paragraph before and after it talks about unintended fake-ness. You should move it towards the beginning.

Good draft, I understood your arguments well.